The strongest woman I know.
June 28, 2008I’ve often wondered why so many people choose to stay in abusive relationships. I’ve purposely avoided using the words “women” and “men” here because it is not only women who are abused. I’ve known big, tall, strong men who have been in situations where their wives physically abused them. While it is more common for women to be on the receiving end, it is not just an issue for them.
I will admit that I’ve never understood what keeps people in such a spot. I guess I can add that to my blessings I am thankful for. I have never had my spirit so damaged that I believed I deserved to be treated that way. I’ve also never had such fear of what someone would do to me if I dared leave, that staying seemed my only option to survival. I have never felt so alone and without a support system that I didn’t think there was anywhere to turn for help. For all of that and more, I am truly grateful.
I have a beautiful person in my life who is currently separating and divorcing her husband. She has one young daughter and is currently pregnant with her second. I watched her marriage and her relationship with her husband escalate for 10 years. I saw what I deemed to be red flags within the first 3 years, and before she kicked him out, I was starting to think about how far I could stand by before I should be going in and packing her out myself. He has hit her twice in their marriage, but has spent years calling her names, yelling at her, punching holes in the walls and breaking things which were special to her. I didn’t understand how she could put up with it for so long, but now I do.
The things which kept her hanging on to the marriage are the same things which gave her the strength to end it so quickly and decisively. It was love and forgiveness.
She has the unbelievable power to love unconditionally. For all those years, she poured all that unconditional love into her marriage. There were so many things that she chose to overlook about her man because she chose love over anger. Using that power to accept him as he was, to love him with no strings, she was able to forgive everything he did to her. She is the embodiment of such divine traits. Through the past two months, I have started learning from her what it truly means to love and to forgive.
Then he made a mistake. He pushed her so far that she had to make a choice, and she chose to direct her love and forgiveness towards herself and her children. While she still forgives him and all he has done, out of love for her daughter especially, she has decided that life would be better on her own. She is now learning to love and forgive herself, unfortunately a lesson not taught in her childhood. She is determined that her daughter will learn how to love herself so that the trials of the mom are not in vain.
I would also like to let you know that she is approaching the end of her marriage with a resolute and ferociousness I wouldn’t have believed possible from her. She is stunning in her decisiveness, breathtaking in her resolution, and exquisite in her flexibility. He has released the tigress sleeping within her and he still doesn’t realize what has happened.
She has never been more beautiful.
This is incredible writing. My heart goes out to your friend. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, and I know to a minor extent what it is she went through, but it was not a marriage, nor did I have children. I don’t know what I would have done had the relationship turned physically abusive, or had these been factors in my life.
It has taken a lot of work to reverse the damage which was done at that point in my life. For a very long time I felt as though I was hurtling through nothingness, simply trying to survive and learn how to love myself.
It sounds as though she has an incredibly supportive friend, and as though is an amazingly strong woman. I give her my best wishes, and hope that she may get out of there so that she can finally be her own woman, and free.
There is so much I want to say back to you, it would be as big as a whole new post. I’ll content myself with saying that I’m very proud of you and glad that you were able to take yourself out of such a harmful situation. It takes incredible strength to overcome abuse of all kinds, and it is the emotional and psychological scars which are the hardest to heal.
Thank you for your visit!
Jennifer
What an amazing woman and story of courage. Unlike her, I don’t know that I could have withstood such treatment, much less forgiven and overlooked it. And you’re right, it does take an amazing person to do such a thing. Clearly, the man doesn’t deserve her and probably never did. I’m glad that she has decided to do what is best for her and her children. I’m sure, later down the line she will find a man who will truly treasure her.
Annie
I agree Annie. I still haven’t forgiven him for how has treated her, I’m amazed that she has. Healing, however, is the challenge for her.
It is my opinion that she deserves better and always has. I hope someday she can find a partner as fabulous as she is.
Jennifer
That story is wonderful I am glad she is getting away though!
Yes Kaylee, I am very happy for her as well. It is very dangerous to not love and value yourself.
Thanks for stopping by…
Jennifer
i like your perspective on this woman.
So many victims of abuse- emotional, physical, sexual and otherwise- don’t leave.
Sadly, so sadly, i’ve known far too many people in such relationships. So many shattered dreams, so much shame and frustration… It is difficult to be there for someone year after year, incident after incident. i learned to simply be there when such a person needed me.
i am happy for your friend. One of my sisters is currently going through the same thing. A relief to be sure, but scary for her. i think many stay because even though it’s terrible, somehow it is still comfortable, familiar.
i think it is wonderful- the support your friend obviously gets from you.
Thank you c, but the support from me is really a very small part of her entire support system. I remember her telling me one time that she had no one she could turn to, but when she was ready, when she took matters into her own hands, the friends came flying out of the shadows to surround her. She is such a beautiful person with such compassion and strength about her that people are drawn to help her if she needs it. She refuses to fall into the victim state and is determined to take control of her life and situation. I’m simply a sounding board.
Jennifer
You raise an excellent point in an excellent post.
I tried to write more back, but frankly, I’m a little too torn on this subject to answer efficiently.
Your friend truly sounds beautiful. I wish her the strength to keep looking forward and always know that she’s done the right thing.
Hey Spaz! Nice to see you again!
She is working hard at keeping such knowledge at the foremost of her thoughts, and fortunately, he has recently given her confirmation that she is indeed going to be better off without him. Don’t fret about not being able to answer efficiently. It took me a month to limit my thoughts and organize them into a coherent post….
Jennifer
Oh my goodness… such a strong, beautiful woman you have as a friend. You vividly brought to mind an issue which people don’t often deal with or discuss. Thank you for that. I know that in any abusive situation I was ever in, the condemning feeling of “oh well, you deserve it” poured into my head mercilessly and kept me from standing up for myself, and even defending the perpetrators. Oh for the day that I can indeed stand up for myself – take courage and leave!
I think many people who find themselves in abusive situations grow up believing that they deserve less. I know it was certainly the case in this situation. I have another friend who often tells me how important it is for us to love ourselves and to teach our children to love themselves. that is what this friend is now working on. By taking this action now she hopes to teach her daughter and new baby that it is not okay for men to treat women badly and that they are worth more than that.
Thank you for your visit!
Jennifer
It is hard to strike it out on your own even when it is the only alternative. I wish her every happiness.
Yes, she is finding challenges around every corner, but she keeps meeting each and every one with a grace and strength I’m not sure I would have. She is truly amazing.
Jennifer
Having been there this woman has been, I see both sides of the coin. There is little within you that lets you think you CAN get out for quite some time, yet you continually search for ways TO get out. Fight or flight kicks in.
It took me 18 months before I could look someone in the eye when I was walking down the street. You think you’re worth nothing and will never amount to anything so why would people want you looking at them is the way your mind works.
On the positive side, once you do get out and learn that none of it was your fault, you’re a stronger more determined person.
I rarely speak, or think about,this period of my life, so this post had brought to the surface some interesting, and unexpected, emotions.
My advise to her?
Don’t let the bastard convince you you’re anything less than a worthwhile human being. Don’t try and do it on your own like I did. Lean on friends and family until you’re whole again.
The best of luck to your friend Jennifer. I’m sure with the support of people such as yourself she’ll come out the other side just fine
Cheers
Maureen
Thank you for this comment Mum. I’m guessing that it wasn’t an easy post for you to comment on.
I will admit to being surprised to learn that you were once abused. You strike me as such a strong and independent woman, but then I quickly realized that this is part of the past you speak of which has shaped you into the incredible person we all know and love.
My friend is also finding that she is strong in ways she didn’t know before. I know that she is going to be just fine. She is doing all she can and is certainly asking for help everywhere that she needs to. I think it is when she says that she can’t deal with something and that she needs help that she is being the strongest. It isn’t easy to admit that you need help.
hugs
Jennifer
There are many unknown things that make all of us the people we are today.
For every adversity we face, it merely makes us stronger….thanks Jennifer
Thank you Mum
Wow, I must admit, I would never have looked at it this way.
Thank you for opening my eyes.
i have been trying to leave for almost nine years — mostly trying to find my inner strength and spirit and planning. i have been blogging about it here.
what keeps me there? hope. hope, and the fact that we have been together so long that i have forgotten (if i ever knew) what a caring loving relationship feels like.
i wish your friend all best wishes — i hope she find peace.