Worthless Writing

As I have been wandering about my favorite blogging haunts this past week, I’ve noticed so many changes at people’s sites.  It is very striking because I’ve been AWOL for so long, but I find myself once again exploring everything little nook and cranny at each blog that I visit.  With all the surprises I’ve been discovering, it’s like Christmas all over again.  

One thing I’ve been delighted to come across over and over again, is the link to this blog.  Shameless, aren’t I?  And I’ve noticed a bit of a trend.  Many of you have added a little disclaimer to either the title or the blurb that comes up when the mouse hovers over the link.  ”Not” {Worthless}, or “Not so” {Worthless}, or even {Worth} “full” is what I have been seeing.  I blush, and I think, and now I would like to offer a small explanation regarding my name.

When I started this blog, I did so on a whim.  As so often happens to me, my creative juices were really not flowing at all and I couldn’t come up with a single title to describe what I saw this blog as.  I actually didn’t really know what I even expected from this particular blog, so I stuck in the name you see now with the intention of changing it when the vision of what this blog was to become became clearer.  

Now, as I hmm over all the edited versions of my blog link, I think perhaps it is time to come up with a different name.  Something that captures what this blog has become.  And that is where the problem begins.  I’m not really sure what this blog has become!  Anyone?  A big whiny monster perhaps?  Delusional ravings?  

I’m still just as stuck for a name as I ever was.  So, I throw it out to the masses.  I know I don’t have a huge following, but those of you who do come, can you help me out here?  I’m afraid I can’t even be as helpful as Anonymum was when she changed her title and give you a starting point.  I would like a new title, something that captures this blog, and I would like you to help me find one.

My identity is in your hands.  

Our minister recently posed an interesting question in her sermon.  How has God spoken to you?   After telling the story of how she came to be part of our ministry, she even went so far as to encourage members to write to or tell her about their experiences in which they felt God had spoken to them.

 Now, there are two things that popped into my mind right away.  First of all, if I was ever to start hearing “the voice” I would never admit it for fear of the big men in white coats packing big butterfly nets looking for me.  Second of all, if anyone starts getting up to “testify” and it even looks like it is going to turn into a bible thumping repent-fest, I’m going to turn around and start waddling out of that church as fast as my five-kid butt and thunder thighs will take me.

 And then I got “the e-mail”.  (Yeah, blew me away too.  Who knew God could be so technological?)

 All funning aside, I received an e-mail this week that caused me to, once again, stop and realize just how far all my blessings extend.  Someone who hardly knows me, mostly knows of me, took the time to drop me an e-mail and say she hadn’t “seen” me on the net recently and was concerned that things had gotten difficult with Superbabe.  She just wanted me to know that she was thinking of us and hoping for the best.  It sat me back, and I realized that there are blessings far beyond what I see in my normal everyday life.

 Originally, I thought I would post this about how great the net and blogging is for connections and friends, people we would otherwise never meet.  Sound familiar?  Yes, done to death I know, but I was going to do it anyhow.  Then this morning I started thinking about it differently.

 It’s strange, you know, that whenever I most need that little pick me up, that little nudge or help, there it is.  Things have been difficult with Superbabe lately.  At the time our minister was delivering her sermon, I was actually in outpatients for the fourth time in three weeks with him.  He’s been very sick, having trouble breathing, losing weight and despite all my exhausting efforts, will likely end up with a feeding tube once more.  I have one more trick to try and then I will have no choice but to give in.   That message in my e-mail showed up on a day when I was feeling particularly down.  As well, life, you know, does not exist just for Superbabe.  There are many other things going on in this house which all compound his situation, and depending on the day, sometimes it is just too much.  To receive word from someone who hardly knows me that they are thinking of us and wishing us well, touched me in a way that can only be described as spiritual.  Weight was lifted and replaced with comfort.  What else could you call it?

 So in answer to my minister’s question, no I don’t hear voices.  I have however, been touched by angels and lifted up and carried various times in my life.  I have had situations turn out completely different to what I would have expected, some better and some worse, and had life changed inexplicably overnight.  I believe that my life is led by God and that gives me great comfort whenever I feel scared or lonely.  I now find myself in situations where I am being called upon to give the comfort or counsel, and with God’s helping hand and angels around me, I hope to make a difference in both small and large ways.

 Now tell me, has God spoken to you recently?

A typical picture of a teen girl is one who is on the phone all the time, chatting with girlfriends and talking about boys.  Talking to boys, thinking about boys, back talking to her “dumb” parents and rolling her eyes whenever she can.  Other than the occasional eye roll, my 13 yr old daughter has never fit into this typical image, and I have always been very grateful for her.

 My daughter is calm, reasonable, rational, and helpful.  I asked her about her interest in boys a few  months ago.  Some of her friends are rather boy crazy, but she doesn’t see the attraction in it.  Or them, boys I mean.  I left the conversation feeling happy and secure in my daughter’s saneness and our continued peace as a family.

A few weeks ago she spent an overnight at a friends house.  That one little visit changed all our lives forever.   We will never again have the same sense of innocence and naïveté that we enjoyed prior to that visit.

 My daughter has turned into a teenager.

She suddenly has a boy interest, and she wants to chat on the computer all the time.  Not only she is demanding more time on the internet to chat, she is chatting with numerous people at the same time, some of them on two different servers at the same time, as well as on the phone!  Talk about tying up the lines of communication!  She calls it multitasking; I call it lunacy.  Who needs to carry on three different conversations with one person at the same time?   

It was just one night!

I blame K.  Or maybe I blame K’s parents for raising a daughter so able to influence my own.  I blame Microsoft, the internet, and Graham Bell.  And let’s not forget those tiny terrorists called hormones!    

I hear rumblings of a dance at a different school and plans for more sleepovers.  Heaven help us!  Please?

There is nothing quite like a baby becoming mobile. Getting into the four point position and then looking at you with such pride and happiness. That first attempt at actually moving is met with great concentration, and then great anger when it all ends with a face plant into the carpet. A few, or many, hugs cuddles and comfortings later, the crawl begins to happen. I remember my daughter crawling. She used the commando style. She could pull herself along the floor, legs stretched out behind her, with amazing speed and agility. I would have challenged any well trained soldier to beat her time down the hall to the doorway when I wasn’t looking. The boys all seemed to crawl the ‘proper’ way, but I have seen many babies with all sorts of various styles of mobility. I always liked the bum scootchers best.

I thought Superbabe was going to be a bum scootcher. He just couldn’t seem to get the whole “belly” thing down. He still hates laying on his belly. Bum scootching wasn’t his thing either though. He didn’t have the strength in his arms to pull himself along the floor. A couple of therapists decided that he needed more strength in his right arm and shoulder. After about a week of pulling a hat off my head with his right arm for 5-10 min a day, he was ready to get into that four point position. Within another three days, he had found his crawl. It’s a funny sort of crawl, his right foot is planted on the floor and the left leg remains folded up beneath him. He uses his right leg to push against the floor and drags his left leg along. It works, but he often finds his left leg tangled up in the sleeper leg or his pants falling off from the fabric being drug along the floor.

Then, he discovered the stairs.

We were in this house when Levi was born. Actually, we moved in when Matthew was only 18m old. Matthew was old enough that the stairs were not an issue, and Levi was naturally cautious with them. He used to skirt around the opening for the longest time, and when he did start showing an interest, I started showing him how to scoot down backwards. It was only a matter of time before he was laughing and flying down the stairs on his belly faster than any of the older kids could possibly run them. Keegan beat him once, but he had to jump the bottom half.

Superbabe had only been moving on his own steam for about a day when he discovered the stairs. It was love at first sight. So, because he was so determined, I started trying to show him how to move backwards. It didn’t work. The kids all tried, and Mr. Man tried too. He refused to go down the way we wanted him to. In fact, he kept planting his feet and pushing with his hands and toppling over backwards. He was downright scary! That same determination that kept him alive, was now getting in the way yet again. He insisted on going down forwards.

It is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen one of my kids attempt to do, but he is now my Stair Master. He wiggles his bum up to edge until he is sitting with his feet hanging over. Then he straightens his legs and wiggles until he plops down on the stair below. Takes a moment for a smile and a giggle, and then does it over again. He refuses to climb up at all, but he would go down over and over all day long if someone was willing to go with him for that long. Any time he is set down, he heads for the stairs and I have a minor panic attack. He still doesn’t get himself into starting position without help very safely, but the stairs themselves are now mastered.

And yes, we are working on figuring out how to put up a gate.

Last week it really did snow in Toronto and Montreal.  Kids were home from school and the roads were a mess.  Here’s a clip from the Rick Mercer Report.  Rick Mercer is a very funny man, and I think I’ll be posting more from him in the future.   

I recently wrote about not having anything in my life interesting enough to blog about.   Life still seems rather ordinary and uninteresting from a blogging perspective,  but it all seems to add up, piece by piece.  I’ve been so busy the last little while that I had to create space just to do this little catch-up post.  I’ve missed all my regular reading at other blogs, and I hope to catch-up on that soon.  Meanwhile, here’s what has been happening in my world. 

We’ll start with Superbaby.  My little man is now off oxygen all the time!  How great is that?  He has gotten much more active and does a little bit of scooting and wiggling to get to where he wants to go, but mostly he is working hard at learning how to stand and walk.  We’ve been having issues with him losing weight though,  and are trying hard to push the food and calories.  He’s not terribly interested in eating however, so we’ve gotten rather creative in our attempts to get enough calories into him.  We mix his pablum with cream, and I make him soups which I then puree and freeze.  Usually I take the congealed fat off the broth before I use it for soup, but not for him!  Full fat all the way!  When we can only get ½ tbsp of food into him at  one sitting, we need all the calories we can get.  He has started gaining again recently, so I just have to keep a good eye on his weight and get him weighed on a more regular basis.  He is also working hard on getting his first tooth.  What a drawn out process that is turning into!

 Colds, colds, colds!  I can’t believe the sickies around here!  It seems as though I am the only person in this house still feeling completely healthy.  Almost makes me want to move out!  Even Superbaby has been coughing and needing his sidestream medications again.  It seems like it is just one after another.  I have two of the older kids home from school today over coughs, ear aches, and sore tummies.  As long as they don’t breath on me…….

 I’ve started a job.  An actual paid position!  Don’t get too excited though, it isn’t much.  I’m now working as secretary for our church.  A bit of typing and proof reading for the pastor and the board.  Just a few hours a week and it can just about all be done at home.  Perfect for my family, which always comes first, and wonderfully flexible.  A little bit of pocket change will be nice as well, but that is likely all the wage will amount to.  I told you, it’s nothing too amazing, but it will help keep me out of trouble.  J 

We have another check-up trip with the Dr’s in the city next week.  I’ll be disappearing again for awhile over it, but have no fear, I will always return.

 So now you know what is going on here.  I’m hoping to get to visiting everyone else this week so that I will also know what is going on there. 

 Blessings,

Jennifer

 One year ago today…….

I was in Edmonton for the ‘regular’ ultrasound check-ups on our baby.   The fetal echo of his heart was done in the morning, and everything looked as it had the two weeks before.  The ultrasound was done in the afternoon, and they found signs of distress in the baby that were not present in the morning. 

One year ago today…….

My baby was delivered by emergency c-section.  A team of professionals from the NICU were standing by, waiting for him.  The hour and a half that I waited for them to stabilize him was horrendously nerve wracking.  The first time I got to see him, he was covered with tubes, I.V. lines, and on a breathing tube.  The nurses sat me up just enough so that I could reach into the transport isolate and touch the one bare spot I could see on his head.  Then they whisked him away to the other hospital, and  I stayed where I was for the next three days.

One year ago today……

I didn’t know or really even believe that my baby would survive.   Today, he is my proof that miracles exist. How far we’ve come Babe, how far you’ve taken us.

Happy 1^st birthday to my little Superbaby,  Sean. 

I feel a whine coming on…..

 I’ve been feeling rather stuck lately.  It seems as though I hardly ever get out anymore, but whenever I do, I can’t wait to get home.  I used to be an interesting person with lots of projects on the go.  Now I can hardly think of anything to write about.   My days are still busy, but who wants to hear (or read) about my laundry and dishes and dirty diapers?  I don’t even want to know about that!  All my dreams lately are about being stuck too.  Stuck in traffic, stuck in a building, stuck in the snow…..  Unfortunately for all of you, my brain is so stuck, this is the most interesting thing I could think of to blog about!

 Maybe it is the winter blahs.  Our days are slowly getting longer; it stays light out past 6:00 pm now.  Sun is up by 9am.  We have three or four feet of snow, and it keeps snowing every couple of days or so.  Temperatures are above the -20C mark now, but the winds are still howling and keeping us all indoors.  Spring will be here soon right?

In the meantime, I’m going back to my laundry, dishes, and dirty diapers for another day, week, month, …….  Still waiting for something interesting to hit me over the head.

The loss of a friend is like that of a limb. Time may heal the anguish of the wound, but the loss cannot be repaired.

Robert Southey

I buried my friendship yesterday.

It had been dying for quite some time, but I still clung to the hope that some day we might get back to what we used to have.  As many illusions do when they break, this one shattered magnificently, leaving me swirling in a black hole of misery for the past three days.  

Once upon a time, I truly loved my friend.  We were nearly inseparable, just like little children with a new best friend we were.  We could laugh until our bellies hurt and the tears ran down our cheeks.  We talked on the phone no less than 3 times a day, often much more.  She drove my husband crazy with her different ideas and great influence over my thinking.  

She really did have a huge effect on me.  I can see it now where I couldn’t admit it before.  Oh yes, there were things we disagreed about, but over all she taught me to stand up to my own ideas.  Unfortunately for my husband, I liked a lot of the seemingly radical parenting ideas she introduced me to and adopted them as mine. 

I first received an inkling that I might need to be choosier about my adoption process when her marriage fell apart.  A messy break-up it was too.  Over 5 years of back and forth and up and downs before she finally declared herself free.  Although with children in the mix, one is never completely free, but there seems to be some kind of working it out happening the past couple of years.  Sometime in there, the first small split started to happen.

Oh it wasn’t very big.  Nothing we even really noticed.  One little judgment is all it takes and the seam of friendship starts to show a little wear.  Over the years, we started to see things differently in more and more places, see each other differently.  We could still get together and laugh outrageously, but we started talking on the phone less and less, and our visits became farther in between.   We each started holding back from each other; no longer sharing every detail of our lives

These past three years we had been more like acquaintances than true blue friends.  She didn’t tell me much at all about her life anymore, and I reciprocated in kind.  Neither of us wanted to be judged so harshly by the other I suppose.  Months went by between phone calls, and visits never happened.  I missed my friend deeply, but neither of us were the same person we used to be.  To be truthful, I wasn’t willing to be the first to reach back in; I had been slapped back to many times at that point.  Even if I had, I now know that we would never have gotten back to where we once were.  Like a river in the soft clay earth, the judgments of the past had eroded too much away. 

The day she did reach out to me, it was in hurt and anger, with an accusation that left me nearly speechless.  It was hours before I was able to realize the full extent of what had just happened.  A friendship that no longer has any trust is no friendship at all, and she obviously was willing to believe the worst of me.   

As I look back on it now, I realize that our friendship had been dead for some time.  It was the hope held aloft by an illusion that died with that phone call.  Hope was just another casualty of the explosion.  So now, with my eyes cleared, I can say goodbye to a friendship, shed a tear for the loss of trust, and lay my false hopes to rest.  I still miss my friend and always will.  While she no longer believes it, I wish her no harm and hope she is well, but she is no longer welcome within my circle, nor I in hers.   Still, I remember what we had and cherish those memories.  My only regret is that we will no longer be making new memories together.

The second child has been found.  Searchers located her body this afternoon.  In this report, they mention that the man appeared to be under the influence of alcohol, but they do not mention any tests confirming this.  I mention tests because there are many conditions which mimick drunkeness, hypothermia being one.  So still, I can not tell if it is part of the story or sensationalism.  I cannot believe that anybody, no matter how drunk they are, would take two small children outside in such weather with such inadequate clothing.  Then again, some people do horrendous things to children and I will never understand that either.    I  just want to believe that the children managed to get outside on their own and that he was searching for them.    No matter how you view this, it is a devastating event, but it would help keep my faith in human decency intact.   

**Update: The above story I linked to has been changed.  The previous story did not have as many details as this one does, and my above post is now completely wrong.  According to this new story, while the father apparently feels terrible about what happened, it does seem likely that his incompetence caused the death of these two little girls.  One more case of parental ineptitude for the books and two more innocent victims.  I wish it wasn’t so.